The Full Story
Jeffrey Whitty; Danni & Armi (front row), back row (L-R): Helka Järvinen, Onni Hamalainen, Umlaut Kaalinpaa, Onni Peräsuolijoki, Ansa Vitunviheltämäaapa, Lykke Ylä-Mulkku, Taavetti Äteritsiputeritsipuolilautatsijänkä, Debbie.
Jeffrey Whitty has joined the creative team for Broadway-bound jukebox musical Love You Tender! according to a press release from lead producers Gwyneth Paltrow, Mary-Kate Olsen and Linda Blair. Helmed by Broadway boy wunderkind Michael Mayer, Love Me Tender! features a score curated from the catalog of Finnish pop supergroup Armi & Danni, best known to American audiences for hits "Vai niin, vai niin," "Vähän Ennen Kyyneleitä" and "Tahdon Olla Sulle Hellä."
"I couldn't be more thrilled to return to the warm, supportive world of Broadway after being declared 'persona non grata' by my former fiduciaries at the William Morris Endeavor Agency," Whitty declared. "My life's greatest joy is the charitable giving of my time, talent and hard work to the impoverished businesspeople of that multibillion dollar industry. We original content creators must get over ourselves, and take heed of those who audiences are coming to see: the agents and lawyers, what with their matchless taste, artistic prowess and big swinging dicks."
Whitty has forsworn any residuals "in no small part because I don't want to get beaten up by organized crime thugs if a cover-up is necessary, like last time."
Love Me Tender! is based on a recently discovered text by Euclid, whose title roughly translates as "Ass Over Teakettle." Whitty will write the entire script in triambic heptameter.
"I'm like, super jazzed to work with Michael Mayer again," Whitty continued. "We've only had, like, four conversations in our lives, and one of them took place when I was a cater-waiter way back when. Fingers crossed that he will graciously allow number five!"
Love Me Tender! will workshop at the Snapple Musical Theater Crucible in May, with a Broadway opening set for the last days of July at the August Wilson Theatre. "That's when all of my Broadway shows open," Whitty proudly asserted. "The deadest week of summer, when nobody is interested. Why would I want to break my three-show streak?"